Thursday, March 24, 2011

To Health and Back

After my recent escapade with matters of legality, I had to appear before an arbiter (who was not quite manly) who demanded I spend a lunarly determined length of time in a penitentiary facility. This was an abhorrent event which I intend not to duplicate.

To be sure, my fellow ingrates were well-mannered (since, in my country, the worst that happens in such conditions are prolonged battles of the non-finger digits) and the quarters were kept at a pleasurable thermal reading, but the sanitation was deplorable. I could not rest my derriere on a single centimeter of those benches without becoming apprehensive of some exotic manner of affliction setting in upon my body.

As such, given my newly rediscovered exemption from the penal location, I now endeavor to write to whatever semblance of an audience I may possess and forewarn them of the prodigious hazards to their hardihood.

Any good hygienist will tell you that the first step to staying well conditioned is at the loo. Whenever attending such a place, be certain that you use a seat cover. This applies even in your own home. Based on the sum total of your awareness, an intruder may have entered your abode with solely the intention of soiling your water-closet to spread general impurities. You cannot prove that such did not occur, as even a very rigourous search which turns up no evidence is simply authentication that your intruder was not highly successful. However, a length of time may come when he will taint you and on that length of time, he will be the victor.

Next, you must be wary of expectorating. This does not refer to a length of time filled with congratulations and  speculations about an embryo's gender. Rather, it is when one forcibly expels saliva from their oral cavity. This is a vile practice which must cease if any progress in this field of study is to take place, especially for bearded men. A beard, while exceptionally manly, is also a veritable trap for phlegm. Not only does this divert from your presumed manliness, but is also a welfare risk I dare not take. Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of phlegm? The Manly Beard Man knows, so listen to him and dare not question his ways.

A final item which conditions to be addressed is that of thrusts to the cranium. They are simply not advisable, regardless of how entertaining those fellows on the series about donkeys might make them seem. Each time your skull collides with another object, you lose some of your attractiveness which you can never get back. This is an expenditure that I am positive not a one of you wishes to make.


Thursday, January 27, 2011

The Repository for Retired Literature

Let us not forget that I am a manly bearded man. Good. Now that that's out of the way I have quite the paradoxical tale to weave, or a yarn to tell:

As I was walking an earlier length of time ago in the brisk mixture of oxygen, nitrogen, methane, and carbon dioxide, the sweet aroma of an aged papery substance lodged itself in my nasal cavity. I turned my head in such a manner that I might find the source of this scent and discovered immediately to my starboard side an antique bookstore. My inquiring mind and emptiness of schedule led me inside to a world of bound publications and potentially liquid beans from South America.

I approached the front workspace and appealed to see the books about beards and/or Manthropolgy and/and/in addition to/or manly topics in general. The employee of the female persuasion looked confused when I mentioned Manthropology. No doubt she is highly uneducated (though it goes without saying that she was marvelously charmed by me). Regardless, she showed me the only book in the store dealing with beards.

As she walked away, I drew the book from the shelf. It was a paperback simply entitled One Thousand Beards by Allan Peterkin. All of the happiness (though none of the attractiveness) ran away from my face. The cover depicted eight men in a montage reminiscent of The Brady Bunch. However, the horror came not from making me recall such an abomination of American televised comedy, but rather the fact that only one of these men wore a beard!

I stood flabbergasted by the image I beheld for a significant length of time. I thought beneath my beard, How could this Allan Peterkin think that this is justifiable? He must be punished by the sheer power of all bearded men!

My inner discourse (not to be confused with my inner thighs) was suddenly interrupted by another bookstore jockey inquiring if I required assistance. I stared at him for a few seconds, my speaking orifice agape. When I realized what he had said, I began vociferating at an elevated volume (I shall not disclose the exact volume because I rarely keep track of such things). I held before his peach-fuzz mustachioed face this travesty of a book and told him to incinerate it. When he informed me of his bondage to the proprietors of the store I proceeded to smear the nefarious receptacle of lies with the dandruff off of the scalp of the bookstore jockey. It deserved far more destruction than that, however. But since I am a sophisticated bearded manly man and deplore the destruction of literature (even untruths) I simply left it sprinkled with the dead skin of this less than manly man's cranium.

A short length of time later the town constable knocked on my front entryway. As I lowered the bridge over the alligator-ridden moat surrounding my estate, he approached and informed me that I was being charged with a salt. I'm not sure what this means, but I must ponder its implications upon my life.

As I sit at home, awaiting my ever-approaching court date, I have only this to say: I will go before that jury and tell them my anecdote which I have here related and I am certain that they will see me to be in the right.

Good night (or morning or afternoon or whenever you happen to be reading this) unto you all. This has been Manly Beard Man and I have to find a barrister.


P.S. - I realize that some of my readers may be pondering things of their own. Such things may include: "Am I manly?" Well the answer to that depends upon the consideration of considerable variables. "Am I as manly as Manly Beard Man?" No. "How do I grow an outstanding beard?" Be a man (a real one).

As I understand that you may have questions please feel free to comment on my posts or visit my new Facebook page. I would also encourage you to become a follower so you may stay up-to-date of everything manly that happens.

Post Script: For those of you yet conjecturing in what way my misadventure was paradoxical, it wasn't.

Post Post Script: Yes, it was.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Beards vs Mustaches

When I was out running my errands an earlier length of time ago, I noticed a rather peculiar man wearing a mustache. Was he a manly man? No. Am I a manly man? Yes. Very much so. Indeed. Affirmative. I am a man whole-heartedly. This raises the question: "What is the difference between a mustached man (like him), and a manly beard man (like me)?"

You dare have the audacity to ask such an infantile query?! Apparently you do.

An earlier length of time ago I was at a habitat for domesticated fish, and there I saw a man with his prized domesticated tuna named Rosebud. This man sported a fully grown mustache but was clearly one of those individuals who eventually perceived the folly of such an endeavor. This man was in that rather bizarre state where his lip hairs had fully grown and the rest of his face was trying to catch up. That is correct; this man was changing his mustache into a beard. I both applaud and deride this man. I praise him for finally garnering the gumption to grow a beard. However, I spit upon his very name for growing a mustache first. The nerve.

Man[y] may wonder, "Are mustaches inherently un-manly then?" Admittedly, no. However, any good scientist will inform you that manly beards channel more manliness than 'staches do and are thus superior. When I say, "channel," you must understand that it is not the facial hair that makes one manly, one makes one's own facial hair manly. A mustache is simply a poorer reflection of one's manhood. It is not unlike how a lightning rod and a spoon both channel electricity, but which one is better equipped for the task?

Further, there are several varieties of mustaches, each with their own levels of masculinity. Let us first examine the pencil mustache. This was made popular in lengths of time past by a man named Charlie. This Charlie was no manly man. Rather, he was a clown who paraded himself around for the enjoyment of the masses, even eating his own shoe for a chuckle. A manly man does not need to stoop to these depths of depravity for people to find pleasure in him; the world around him simply adores him. Another man to don this type of mustache was named Adolf. Undoubtedly, some of you have heard tales of this man, many of which have been overtold. Viz-a-viz, I shall spare you the details. Suffice it to say that this man was also un-manly. Based solely on the testimony of these two examples out of the great number of people who have surely worn pencil mustaches, I rule them unfit for a manly man.

Next comes the handlebar mustache. Seriously? Why do we need handles on our faces? If the good Lord had intended us to have handlebars on our faces, we would be bicycles--instead we are men. And we ride on bicycles. While licking a lollipop. Facial hair grows all over our face (unless you are a member of the female persuasion), so why shouldn't we let it? Remember a few lengths of time ago when I was talking about handlebar mustaches? Well it seems to me that facial hair does not curl naturally. Ladies curl their hair. Men do not. So finally I must say that handlebar mustaches are not for men. It is the least manly of all mustaches (which are not very manly in general).

The final category we shall discuss is the Fu Manchu mustache. I must admit, I have never met this Mr. Manchu. However, I do respect his name. He must be like Pikachu, only manlier. Due to the fact that this array of 'staches extends beyond the upper lip, it covers more of the face and is thus closer to being a beard. Therefore, this is easily the manliest of all mustaches (and not just because of the name) but still pales in comparison to a beard of any caliber.

When I go to McDonalds in some lengths of time, people will surely notice my beard and feel my manliness radiating off of it like heat from...well...a radiator. It is not something that I will apologize for, but rather something that the world needs to get used to. Manly men with beards are manly, and we should not apologize for being manly. In addition to those thoughts I will close with this:

I am a man. I have always been a man. I will always be a man.


Sunday, January 23, 2011

I am a man! *PUNCH!*

I am a man.

What's more: I am a manly man.

Even more: I am a manly bearded man.

Over the past several lengths of time, I have noticed that my manly beard has received a lot of attention. Because of my beard, people are intimidated by my manly manliness. Did I ask for this? No. Am I complaining? That is for you to decide. Was I manly before my beard? Yes. Are all bearded men manly? No.

Allow me to give some examples of just how manly I am. One day, I was sauntering through the local flower thrift store. The cashier (who was of the female persuasion) smiled at me as I approached her. She asked if she could be of any assistance to me.

I said "No!" because I am one of the manliest men and have no need for flowers. With that, I walked out of the store, no doubt leaving the woman confused and charmed all at the same time. I don't actually know, but I'm sure that's what happened.

Do you remember when you read the twelfth sentence of this entry a few lengths of time ago in which I proceeded to inquire if all men with beards are manly? Despite what you think, the right answer is NO, indeed. Some people do not have manly beards like mine, but rather they have dishonorable beards. How do I know? I am a man. A manly man. Manly men (such as myself) have to know these things. This is one of the elementary principles I teach at the seminars.

There are several ways to spot the difference between a manly beard and a dishonorable beard. For instance, if a beard is nice and full and envelops the entire face, it is a manly one. If it is patchy and cannot cover the entire countenance, it is dishonorable. If a beard has writing shaved into it (which happens more often than many realize), the issue gets muddled. If the writing is legible, the beard is more likely to be dishonorable because men have poor handwriting. If something rebellious is gracing the beard, this almost instantly pumps it up to manly status, as men have no regard for society's rules (we call it man-archy). Furthermore, if a dishonorable beard is on a manly man, said man is downgraded to mediocre man and is urged to shave in as few lengths of time as possible. If a manly beard appears on a less than manly man, that man is labelled as potentially manly and the entire universe implores him to make the rest of his being match accordingly.

As this is only the first post of this serious blog, I can say that in future lengths of time my epic chronicles will be documented here for all to enjoy and for all to learn.