When I was out running my errands an earlier length of time ago, I noticed a rather peculiar man wearing a mustache. Was he a manly man? No. Am I a manly man? Yes. Very much so. Indeed. Affirmative. I am a man whole-heartedly. This raises the question: "What is the difference between a mustached man (like him), and a manly beard man (like me)?"
You dare have the audacity to ask such an infantile query?! Apparently you do.
An earlier length of time ago I was at a habitat for domesticated fish, and there I saw a man with his prized domesticated tuna named Rosebud. This man sported a fully grown mustache but was clearly one of those individuals who eventually perceived the folly of such an endeavor. This man was in that rather bizarre state where his lip hairs had fully grown and the rest of his face was trying to catch up. That is correct; this man was changing his mustache into a beard. I both applaud and deride this man. I praise him for finally garnering the gumption to grow a beard. However, I spit upon his very name for growing a mustache first. The nerve.
Man[y] may wonder, "Are mustaches inherently un-manly then?" Admittedly, no. However, any good scientist will inform you that manly beards channel more manliness than 'staches do and are thus superior. When I say, "channel," you must understand that it is not the facial hair that makes one manly, one makes one's own facial hair manly. A mustache is simply a poorer reflection of one's manhood. It is not unlike how a lightning rod and a spoon both channel electricity, but which one is better equipped for the task?
Further, there are several varieties of mustaches, each with their own levels of masculinity. Let us first examine the pencil mustache. This was made popular in lengths of time past by a man named Charlie. This Charlie was no manly man. Rather, he was a clown who paraded himself around for the enjoyment of the masses, even eating his own shoe for a chuckle. A manly man does not need to stoop to these depths of depravity for people to find pleasure in him; the world around him simply adores him. Another man to don this type of mustache was named Adolf. Undoubtedly, some of you have heard tales of this man, many of which have been overtold. Viz-a-viz, I shall spare you the details. Suffice it to say that this man was also un-manly. Based solely on the testimony of these two examples out of the great number of people who have surely worn pencil mustaches, I rule them unfit for a manly man.
Next comes the handlebar mustache. Seriously? Why do we need handles on our faces? If the good Lord had intended us to have handlebars on our faces, we would be bicycles--instead we are men. And we ride on bicycles. While licking a lollipop. Facial hair grows all over our face (unless you are a member of the female persuasion), so why shouldn't we let it? Remember a few lengths of time ago when I was talking about handlebar mustaches? Well it seems to me that facial hair does not curl naturally. Ladies curl their hair. Men do not. So finally I must say that handlebar mustaches are not for men. It is the least manly of all mustaches (which are not very manly in general).
The final category we shall discuss is the Fu Manchu mustache. I must admit, I have never met this Mr. Manchu. However, I do respect his name. He must be like Pikachu, only manlier. Due to the fact that this array of 'staches extends beyond the upper lip, it covers more of the face and is thus closer to being a beard. Therefore, this is easily the manliest of all mustaches (and not just because of the name) but still pales in comparison to a beard of any caliber.
When I go to McDonalds in some lengths of time, people will surely notice my beard and feel my manliness radiating off of it like heat from...well...a radiator. It is not something that I will apologize for, but rather something that the world needs to get used to. Manly men with beards are manly, and we should not apologize for being manly. In addition to those thoughts I will close with this:
I am a man. I have always been a man. I will always be a man.
-MANLY BEARD MAN
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