Thursday, March 24, 2011

To Health and Back

After my recent escapade with matters of legality, I had to appear before an arbiter (who was not quite manly) who demanded I spend a lunarly determined length of time in a penitentiary facility. This was an abhorrent event which I intend not to duplicate.

To be sure, my fellow ingrates were well-mannered (since, in my country, the worst that happens in such conditions are prolonged battles of the non-finger digits) and the quarters were kept at a pleasurable thermal reading, but the sanitation was deplorable. I could not rest my derriere on a single centimeter of those benches without becoming apprehensive of some exotic manner of affliction setting in upon my body.

As such, given my newly rediscovered exemption from the penal location, I now endeavor to write to whatever semblance of an audience I may possess and forewarn them of the prodigious hazards to their hardihood.

Any good hygienist will tell you that the first step to staying well conditioned is at the loo. Whenever attending such a place, be certain that you use a seat cover. This applies even in your own home. Based on the sum total of your awareness, an intruder may have entered your abode with solely the intention of soiling your water-closet to spread general impurities. You cannot prove that such did not occur, as even a very rigourous search which turns up no evidence is simply authentication that your intruder was not highly successful. However, a length of time may come when he will taint you and on that length of time, he will be the victor.

Next, you must be wary of expectorating. This does not refer to a length of time filled with congratulations and  speculations about an embryo's gender. Rather, it is when one forcibly expels saliva from their oral cavity. This is a vile practice which must cease if any progress in this field of study is to take place, especially for bearded men. A beard, while exceptionally manly, is also a veritable trap for phlegm. Not only does this divert from your presumed manliness, but is also a welfare risk I dare not take. Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of phlegm? The Manly Beard Man knows, so listen to him and dare not question his ways.

A final item which conditions to be addressed is that of thrusts to the cranium. They are simply not advisable, regardless of how entertaining those fellows on the series about donkeys might make them seem. Each time your skull collides with another object, you lose some of your attractiveness which you can never get back. This is an expenditure that I am positive not a one of you wishes to make.

-MANLY BEARD MAN

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